Knowing she would die that day put no comfort in her heart. In just a few hours she planned to take away the pain forever. Dusk was falling, weak rays of sunlight painted orange flames on her and the wall behind her.
She turned towards the mirror that hung behind the door of her small closet. Chubby body and limp mousey brown hair were the least of her worries. At 12 years old she had barely began to develop into a woman. That did not stop people from posting hateful, hurtful messages on the school chat boards and other networks her school mates visited. Tears burned her eyes and her throat clenched as she held back her cries. With her parents downstairs she could not wail and scream in frustration.
The pain was too much.The ache soured her stomach and she could no longer make the pain stop by cutting. She even made a cut so deep the blood poured from her and she panicked before knowing to press a towel and stop the flow of blood. She wrapped the towel in a plastic bag and stuffed it in the back of her closet. No need to get rid of it, she'd be no more in just a little while.
That thought eased the pain a little bit.
The tension released and she was able to continue to ready cords and make sure they would hold. She went to the computer and sat in the chair. With a calm that was almost like floating on a cloud, she was able to write one last email to her friend and enemies alike.
"I am going to kill myself. You have caused me so much pain that it will not stop. I cannot stop thinking about the awful things you have said to me. I love you Mom and Dad." She recalled the article about strangulation. She'd either crush her trachea or break her neck when her full weight jerked down on the noose. She'd quickly exit this world.
She got ready by going inside the closet to turn on the light. She had tied the noose as she had seen it done online. The smell of her old sneakers and the small area of the closet made the small space close in on her and smother her. She panicked but closed her eyes and was able to push the anxiety into the pit of her stomach with the rest other pain, anger, fear and feelings of discust. She hated that she allowed them to own a piece of her. To reduce her to a series of dirty words.
Placing the noose around her neck with a final shaky breath she let her legs go limp. Her teeth cut through her tongue and the pain was immediate. Blood flooded her mouth and dribbled down her chin. The chuck of bitten off tongue slid from her bluish lips and down her chin. Then she felt it slide down her throat and land in her bra.
She was choking. The noose cut off her airway but did not break her neck or crush her airway! She clawed at her neck and felt the scratches begin to bleed She opened her mouth to scream but could not make a sound. The seconds ticked by and still she struggled and was not able to get the noose to loosen or stand up. The black around her vision became a cloak on her eyes. The struggle ended and her life ended.
Moments later her Mom came to her door to call her for dinner. A girl from school was here as well, to apoligize. The suicide email was auto sent at that moment.