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Philena: Dear Diary

Philena: Dear Diary

Tags: philena, diary

Why can she not tell Boss (or anyone for that matter) about Stepmonster? About Chase?

9. May

Dear Diary,

I feel so stupid. Why can't I just tell them? Why can't I open my mouth and say it out loud? I can write it here--it's easy. I don't even care if somebody finds it written here. Why can't I report it?

Why couldn't I just tell Boss today? Why couldn't I open my mouth and tell Adam? Why can't I say it?

I've been abused for almost ten years. Ten years. See? Easy. I can write it. So easy. But it's like, if I say it, if I tell someone, why would they even believe me? My mother didn't until minutes before she died. Why would a stranger? If I say it, somebody knows and then everyone knows and then it spreads around the world that 'hey, this idiot girl was abused sexually and physically and mentally for ten years and never said anything'.

I'm not an idiot.

Am I?

Diary, why can't I just tell somebody? Why do I have to hide it all the time? Why do I have to be sarcastic and mean and uncaring on the outside when really I feel like there's this gigantic hole in me that keeps growing and growing and it never stops? When I feel like no matter how hot the water is or how long I stay in the shower, I'll never be clean? Why do I hide the fact that all I want to do is pick up Stepmonster's gun and blow my brains out?

All I want to do is die.

But I can't, can I Diary? I can't, because I'm such a fucking caring bitch and I want to help all the other 'idiots' out there suffering and get them help. I can't, because...

because I don't really want to die. I'm already dead. Or it feels like it sometimes. Feels like I'm in Hell.

I just want to live, Diary, but I can't do that if I don't escape and even then... even then I have flashbacks and nightmares and I'm paranoid and I panic and I need pain to get through the day.

Diary, what's wrong with me? I want to get out of here, but I can't open my mouth. Please, please if somebody reads this...

Help me!
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