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The Problem with Anger

Depression and how I deal with it.

Depression is horrible. If you have never really dealt with it, then don’t judge.

All of my life I have had to deal with a mind crippling depression. The origional time this depression hit me was when I was 11 years old and had started 7th grade. I had just moved from my grade school to a junior high. For the intial first half grading period, I was forgetting homework assignments and even how to do tasks. I suffered. I could get control of my emotions after 3 weeks and my course work improved, so I felt better about myself. In the winter of that year, I had some problems because I was on the wrestling team, so I never got to be home during daylight from Sunday evening until Saturday morning. But my performance didn’t suffer, and when wrestling ended, then I was ok.

The next chance I had to deal with this depression was when I switched schools my Sophomore year of high school. This time the switch was from a public to a private academy. The depression continued for the first semester. Again, I couldn’t remember assignments, and I was getting poor grades. I made it through that dark period and even though my grades improved a small amount, they never reached the level I had before the switch of schools.

Then when I started college I became depressed, this depression lasted about two years but what I discovered at this time that if I got annoyed enough that the anger overcame the depression. The best way I can think to describe this process comes from the first Avengers movie. There is a leviathan coming towards the Avengers and Captain America says that Banner may find this a good point to get angry. Bruce then replies that that is his secret, he is always angry and bursts into his Hulk form and smashes the leviathan.

I could relate because that is how, at least for a short time, I defeated my depression.

The problem with using anger is that anger takes a lot of energy to sustain. I could defeat the depression for a brief break to get what I needed to do completed but then when I would go to sleep at night and I relaxed, the depression would come back. I could pause it but those giants returned.

Then in 2016 when I was diagnosed with MS, I realized that this life long depression was a symptom of my MS. Instead of getting angry when I felt those dark thoughts pulling at mind I would inventory the things that could depress me like money (I have enough to get by), relationships (I haven’t had a girlfriend in years and I am not really looking for one), and so forth and I see that I have no emotional reason to be depressed.

I look at that creature flying towards me and I say to it, “You are an illusion generated by a disease, you don’t exist! Go away!” The giant then fades from pitch blackness to a light mist. I feel the monster trying to catch my mind but it is insubstantial and passes.

Like I said, anger worked but only as long as I was angry and that can be exhausting. Recognizing the depression for what it is (a disease generated illusion) almost makes it go away.

This is my method for fighting depression. It works because I was able to recognize the actual cause of my depression. I don’t know if it will help anybody else,but if it does, then more power to you!

 

 

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