Right now I want to rage as only another redhead can understand. We have only known each other for a few weeks but I think we both felt a connection. I tried to keep myself from becoming too emotionally attached to you too fast but I guess I failed miserably.

I woke this morning and I got the message of your passing from your aunt, feeling stunned, and I can feel the depression (Leviathan) pulling at me and I battle it by letting the rage (Behemoth) I feel at the entire universe free within my mind. Unfortunately, the Behemoth has no specific target, so I can't maintain it for very long, not that I really want to be angry but I don't want to be ravaged by the Leviathan either.

Why did you have to be taken away from this world when we were just getting to know each other? The pain runs deeper than it should, the hole in my heart will never be filled. I want to rage but the only target is you and I could never rage at you. Life is more than unfair, life is cruel.

I have never been hurt this badly. I know you didn't choose for this to happen. When the first woman that I loved and said she loved me dumped me for one of her medical school classmates I thought I felt the worst pain imaginable. That pain was nothing compared to what I feel right now. No pain I ever felt before this moment even comes close to the pain I feel now.

I hope I was a light in your life for the last few weeks you were here. I enjoyed talking with you even if it was just short messages back and forth to each other and I know you were a light in my life and without you life seems to be faded a little, and I don't know if the colors will ever come back completely.

One of the first songs I heard on the radio after you passed was Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself for Loving You". I wanted to burst out into tears when that song played. I also wanted to let the rage I feel burst free, and I am walking to razor's edge between rage and despair, the Behemoth and the Leviathan, and falling to either side is not an option. To fall to either side means my own personal destruction and I know that isn't what you want for me.

I know I have to continue my own life's journey alone for now. The Behemoth makes me move forward and the Leviathan keeps me from doing anything stupid and self-destructive.

The next time I ride my motorcycle I know you will be with me on Ruby. I wish we could have ridden together through the mountains of Colorado. I will have to wait before I ride again, it would be so easy to either let the Behemoth or Leviathan overwhelm me as I ride and that wouldn't be good.

It will take time before I can feel happy again. Every time I start to smile I remember that you are not here and the despair fills me and I have to let the rage free to stop the despair.

I just saw and ad for the movie "The Fault In Our Stars". I don't know if I will ever be able to watch that movie, if I do watch it I know you will be in the front of my mind.

Goodbye, I miss you and life will never be the same. I hope that you will watch over me, I could use a guardian angel right now.