There were good moments. There always are. Those luck of the draw blind date moments. Those longing for someone even though they are with your best friend moments. Those ‘accidental’ brushes of the hand when you think no one else will notice moments. Those rushing out the door and throwing your arms around their neck moments. Those kissing them because if you don’t you are going to lose them moments. Those heart stopping can’t catch your breath “I Do.. forever and always” moments. 

In the course of time those good moments seem to get lost in all those ‘other’ moments. Those lying awake at night unable to find those good moments because you aren’t sure how you are supposed to feel anymore moments.

She physically moved out of our bedroom months ago. Emotionally she moved out years ago. Going through the motions out of obligation.. loyalty.. respect. Love too. Just not with love anymore. 

A life filled with so much love and happiness. A life of comfort and security. Endless moments filled with cherished memories and the satisfaction of knowing she made the right choice. She deserved all of this and so much more. Sadly she gave all of that up to marry me. 

Sometimes even in darkness there is a light. A daughter. A grandson. Such immense joy and love. There is purpose in everything. I hope she sees that too. All can’t be for nothing. 

Today is my 43rd anniversary. I’m not sure how I am supposed to feel.