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I Am Sorry

I lift the pen, it feels leaden in my hand. I curl my fingers around the grip, my words feel heavy and hard to grasp. I heave a sigh and smooth back my raven black hair. How can I write what needs to be said? How can I show how much I care? How can I apologize for the past? What can I say to wash out the pain? What can I do to earn trust again? I open the drawer, and the scent of paper wafts out. I lift one sheet out and lay it on the scratched up wood desk. I draw in a long breath, readying myself to begin at long last. Pen to paper, I try to start fresh.

 I want you to know I'm really sorry--(I stop, the scratch of my writing falls silent. So many things am I sorry for. But where do I begin?)-- sorry for letting you think you were alone and unwanted. I am sorry I let you feel useless and unlovable. I am sorry that you counted on me, and I stopped believing. I am sorry I pretended that I didn't see your pain. I am sorry for the times I looked the other way. I am sorry for all of that--(again I draw my pen away from the paper and desk, away from this dreaded task. How can I even move forward from here? I look up to the rafters. I watch the shadows dance across the beams from the fire light. I close my eyes and try to relax. I fill my lungs with the smell of the burning pine. The crackle and pop, the warmth on my skin help sooth me within. I part my thick lashes and look back at the white square of destiny on my worn desk.)-- I am sorry for all of that, but it is all in the past. Today I am here, and here I stand. Look at me, take my hand. I promise never to quit on you again. Let me in so I may make amends. I want to see you smile again. Much more than smile, I want to see. I want to see your dreams come true. I want you to do whatever you wish. I want--(I want to build you up and repair the hurts, both the seen and unseen scars. I want to regain trust and restore hope and joy. I want to see the light in your eyes)-- I want you to be happy.--(I want to set you free. I want you to forgive me. I want to help you see the light again.)-- There is so much more to say, and yet... There isn't. I have made my mistakes and now it may be too late. I am so terribly sorry is all I have to offer. 

I leave off here. There is nothing else to write. I close my eyes and press one cool hand to my warm forehead. I see your broken soul and body. My shoulders feel heavy. My chest is tight. I push up out of my chair with a creak of the floor. Stiffly, I walk with heavy steps to the fire. And throw the letter in. Watching the words burn, I whisper into the smoke, "I am sorry." My words are whisked out the chimney and into the night. Lost in a sky as black as my soul. My apologies do nothing to lighten the heavens nor lighten my heart. Forgiveness and redemption are as unattainable as that letter now turned to ash. I catch a glance of the mirror on the mantle above. She truly is unlovable and unwanted, this girl looking back at me. There is the haunting face of hopeless, lightless eyes that letter cannot reach. For I gave up on myself long ago. There is no one left to love beyond that raven hair. I turn away from the fire place, away from the light. I turn away and face the night. 

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