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Break Down, Rise Up

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Published 6 months ago

I have broken myself down into my most basic parts.

That which makes me up, that which tears me down.

Solid and headstrong, for only I, know what's right.

Prone to such weakness and indulgence even so,

 

For I want more than to survive.

 

To one end of nature, or the other end of nurture,

And back again. The middle ground is a filament invisible,

A tenuous thread that holds me together.

That I can neither see, nor feel, nor touch.

 

I am all or I am nothing.

 

Made into crystallized form, silent and cold within.

Spectating from my tower of ivory on high.

The oracle of winter in an arctic globe of snow.

Don't need anything, from anyone, anymore.

 

Please, leave me be.

 

Born as a tumble of words and love, decadent milk and honey,

Of the most affectionate creations, to hold and offer comfort.

To bring smiles and joy, to please and to content,

Afire with passion and begging for understanding.

 

Please, be with me.

 

In my honesty, I crack myself open,

My heart bleeds, it breaks and shatters.

It is tended but never mended, all the same.

Can't break a heart that's already broken.

 

Just rip a few stitches and I will be only be undone.

 

My pride screams, my insecurity wails, my humility weeps.

 Every doubt and self-conscious moment flickers like a tallow candle

In my memory. All of the times I was told I was too much,

Or simply just not enough. Cast aside. Discarded in silence.

 

Never call on them, before they call on you.

 

My selfishness though, smug and righteous grins

With dark satisfaction, I win. Indifference is my shield.

Resistant to yield, avoidance my savior.

Can't hurt what's not there, after all.

 

Don't need anyone ever again.

 

I am a dragon, with the head of a cobra,

Who wants to leave the earth scorched and envenomated in her wake.

 

I am an angel, iridescent, and light.

I only want to make you feel all that's good and right.

 

What I know of myself and what do I have yet to learn?

There's more beyond my scope, this I did not know.

What else am I? Who else am I? Do I have a space?

A place in this world? Or am I to always be a guest?

 

 Never to have a home, always in some way alone?

 

Like so many grains of sand, I am dispersed in the desert.

One whole, made of billions. A solid sea,

Moving In dunes and valleys. I shift and dance,

Though tethered by the earth, as I am made.

 

How I yearn to stretch and to soar and be made magic.

 

So I release the ties that bind me, atoms de-interlock.

Self-made and self-contained, I turn the key,

So I can be free, to glide and ride the wind.

The heavens shall give me rise.

 

I relinquish myself from the confines of gravity.

 

Sailing on the currents, I can feel the stratosphere

 Above me, and the thermals washing me over,

In a tender lifting embrace. Surrounded by majesty.

I become lucent, in the bounty of the sky,

 

The gift of wings, invisible and bold thrills me.

 

I caress the cloud tops, and they surrender their tears To me.

To replenish the desert. To rouse life below.

The elements cool and condense, the clouds honor me.

The parched land sings in anticipation, as the torrent begins.

 

Aqua Pura, is the elixir wrenched from the fibers of my being.

 

The solid sea steams and soaks. Made verdant by the tears I have called forth.

Life awakens in a riot of rebirth. A fantastical and forgotten oasis made lush.

A magical carpet of beauty, waiting for the right moment to spring into existence.

Embroidered with the allurements of my love.

 

What lays dormant can be resurrected infinitum if the force of will is strong.

 

I am immersed in awe and my soul shimmers like water ripples under moonlight.

Fireflies skim the surface and the reflection of their call for love, echos my own.

I am all awash in the cosmic, soft greens and blue facets.

Opal multidimensional. An aurora in miniature, the heavens, and earth made as one,

 

Soft, beautiful, and fragile, as I've ever been.

 

As the Moon pulls me forth, I am shifted into the profound.

Captivated and bewitched, I am held in sway.

A primal and deep wellspring of exposed neural bodies coalesce.

I feel so deeply in moments that I don't know whether I am to die, already have,

 

Or if I, too, have come alive.

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