There is no one I can talk to
About the pain I’ve buried deep inside,
No one who would understand.
So I have summoned all my courage
To sustain me as I bare my soul to you today.
I did everything I was taught to do.
I never spoke to strangers,
I stayed indoors when it got dark.
I never rode the train alone,
Nor ventured into the park at night.
But no one warned me about you.
They never said be wary
Of the man you see each day.
Be very afraid of his smiling face,
For some day there would be a price to pay.
I would love to know
The thoughts you kept hidden,
As you looked into my eyes.
Too naïve to see through the veils
When you whispered your lies of love
And promised me forever.
I often wonder about what you were feeling
As you pinned me to your bed.
Your cold fingers ripping at my clothes,
While silently I screamed.
Did you see the tears spilling
From my shut eyes as you gently stroked my cheek?
I still hear your soft words,
“Shhh baby…. it will only sting a bit”
Yet that searing pain was the least of my concern
As my core was being torn apart.
Did it feel good to use my body, yet ignore my soul?
All I could do was be submissive
And count the seconds as they ticked upon the mantle clock.
Was I meant to smile and feel a swell of pride
When you pulled my trembling body close
And whispered how good it was,
How no one had ever made you feel that way before.
I could see a head shrinker and spill my darkest thoughts,
Trust me; they would not hesitate to prescribe me some pills
And to tell me how it’s normal to feel all this rage.
But they will never know the shame
Of feeling the crawl of your cold hands upon my skin
Every time I am touched by a man.
Or how it feels to scrub at skin that feels unclean,
Skin that will never feel pure again.
With mirth and a smiling face,
I fooled the world into thinking I was alright.
Though this smile was but a veneer
To hide the hatred that lived inside my heart.
I was torn and I was tattered.
My scars were countless,
My wounds were deep.
I have no more tears to cry,
All they do is remind me of all I choose to forget.
So now I try to not look back at how it had begun,
To look instead at what I have become.
I have reached a place where
I can finally say your name
Without flinching inwardly
Or feeling any shame.
I really should thank you
For the valuable lessons I have learnt.
For once I was not afraid,
Invincible I believed myself to be.
Then you came along and taught me
That I am fragile like a porcelain doll.
And the greatest lesson learnt is that love and trust
Are but myths born of fairytales.
Contentment fills me to the brim
When I look at how your life has regressed.
A family who have turned you away in contempt
Always in a drugged up daze, you have no job,
No friends that I can tell.
How does it feel to realize that
The only thing you succeeded in doing was me?
I want you to stroll down memory’s lane
And remember the face of innocence
That once smiled lovingly back at you.
Then take a good look at me now,
Look up into my eyes
As I say the only thing I have left to say to you.
“I forgive you.”