I gave in to you countless times.
Even when I knew I shouldn't and it wasn't fair
The guilt of putting my foot down dissolves my spine.
My boundaries crumbling from such little wear.
I all but begged for my minimum, but you hand the same lines
It's exhausting being devoted to someone who isn't there.
At first, when I made my feelings clear, there used to be push-back.
But I had to accept your decisions with no discussion in sight.
Then later, you grew cold and claimed a gaping communication lack
I am called the manipulator while you gaslight.
Trying to explain my thoughts somehow put me on the attack
You suddenly disappear, claiming you "don't want to fight".
I drained your energy with my requests for definition
When my own mind got in my way I asked for affection
And you refused me, citing not wanting to "resort to coercion".
But all I wanted was to feel closer before submission.
But in the past, if I had just said no
You'd still push me farther than I want to go.
My headspace was primed in those moments of devotion
For you to push what you wanted from me.
When you had me that way, there was little commotion
All you had to do was ask if I was willing to please.
I asked you to stop doing that, it was messing with my emotions
It made me feel used, and filled me with unease.
The whole time wasn't this bad,
We had some incredibly close moments, and fun too.
I know I wasn't perfect when I think about the past we've had.
And I feel bad about the toxic responses I had shown to you.
And making things complicated when I should have had nothing to add.
Part of me still misses us, and walking away had almost ripped me in two.
But how can I expect others to take care of their own
If I don't follow my own advice to them and leave
A situation that should be left alone
Because others aren't giving back the effort they receive?
What held me back is the fear of the unknown.
Who am I without you? To find out, I will leave.