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Your Demons

"We both knew how this would turn out. I thought I was more ready than I was."
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I took it too seriously when you told me my feelings were reciprocated.
I watched my own feelings intensify more quickly than anticipated.
We used each other as band-aids, a safe and gentle fix
Turned to each other for affection and comfort in moments of conflict.
And then it had to stop, it had to shift direction.
We had to redefine how we’d been participating in emotional protection. 

It seems you’ve moved on more quickly than I could manage.
With almost daily whiplash – affection, or damage.
Realistically, I knew this would be the way things go.
Friendship is far preferable to ending with nothing to show. 

I wonder if you miss the soft voice in the dark before bed.
I wonder if memories of us roll around in your head.
I wonder when that happens, if it’s only when things are going wrong.
Because it seems to be me that you call when she’s taking too long.
And I don’t mind supporting you but it’s hard to see this constantly
And it was okay for a while, but now I have to tell you honestly. 

Before you go to bed, you tend to say things along similar lines
There’s almost always a moment we have to remind ourselves of the re-define.
You thank me for the comfortable company, and wonder about the next day.
You thank me for keeping your demons, as loud as they are, at bay.

There are nights afterward, I wonder if things for you were ever more
Even though there’s no point anymore.
Even though I know this was how it could be.
Sometimes, in a weird way, I’m thankful for the demons’ company.

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