What is it about the start of a New Year that gives people hope of change? As if, once the previous year ends, the new will be clean and the past can’t hurt us. I am, of course, a victim of this thinking. Or, maybe, it’s just me who thinks like this? I’m not sure.
The start of 2013 was pretty good for me. I was happy, I had a boyfriend, I was healthy, and I even met a person, who quickly became my best friend. I thought 2013 was going to be my year. But, as usual, I was proven wrong. The boyfriend broke up with me, the health became an issue, my depression became a full on. I met a new man, but things weren’t good from the start.
All the issues I had, I went to my friend about, complaining all the time. I thought he was the one person I could lean on. He started to talk to me less, but claimed it wasn’t me. However, he forgets how well I know him, and knew it was more me than him. I was tired of the state I was in, so I put my foot down and started to do what needed to be done.
2014 quickly came in, I was doing my best to stay positive. But, it didn’t work. I lost the boyfriend, thinking my world ended. I thought it was for the best, but still wanted him. I didn’t think things could get much worse, but just three days later, my friend left me too.
These words are spoken at the start of a Rihanna song. I thought they were pretty befitting with the situation I was going through.
It’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it’s over and it’s gone, you almost wish you could have all the bad stuff back, so you can have the good.
That is what I thought, at least. Until having a long chat with someone else, about friends coming and going, and even coming back, I thought for a really long time.
And, I ended up making a Facebook post that says:
I’ve come to realise that you shouldn’t dwell on people who walk out of your life. It is their choice to leave. You can’t mope and have hurt feelings for it. Give yourself time to grieve over it, because we are after all humans. We need time to grieve for those we’ve lost. Grieving doesn’t always need to be over those who have died. Sometimes it feels like it, even though they haven’t. But don’t dwell on it, it just gives them more power over you. They don’t deserve that kind of control and power over you.
That’s what I’m learning in 2014, that, even though I may miss what I had, I need to let go. I don’t have the control of what others do, they’ve made their choice. If they can walk out of my life the way they have, were they really even worth having? Probably not, because they didn’t feel the same way about me as I did for them.
I still hope each year will bring better change, but with the good, there is always going to be bad. That is how the world works, I think. So, come at me 2014, I’m ready!