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I Feel Too Much

Unfiltered, completely off the top of my head, totally emotional, cry for help, musing thing.

In my entire life, what have I achieved? If I’d achieved something, anything at all, would I be sitting here at (at time of writing, admittedly, I feel shitty.) 4:42 AM writing this? No. I’d be in bed. I’d be sleeping. I might be out with my friends.

Friends. Whatever. I’m not the type to have real friends. I have this one I’ve known for nine years. Nine years is nothing to be sneezed at. She is a real friend. If she saw me right now, she’d listen to me a bit and then tell me to man the fuck up. Suck it up, get on with it.

She’s right. Throughout the years, it has been her that has been keeping me slightly sane. We’re soulmates. Her and my mum. My mum has been my rock and apparently I’ve been hers.

I feel weak right now. I’m missing Antz. We didn’t talk much, but it was enough to know that he was around, you know? He’d post Facebook statuses and I’d know he was still the same old Giddy. Giddy was his nickname.

In the time I knew him, he achieved a lot more than me. In the time I’ve known Jan, she’s achieved a lot more than me. I’m a layabout. I sit here doing nothing and then rue the fact that I’ve achieved nothing.

I don’t know what love is. Only lust.

That statement was true until I met Alex. She was the fist person I’d ever fallen in love with. It faded fast, thank fuck. Once I got to know her, it was all horror and mayhem. At the time, we needed each other.

Let’s fast forward to Aria. That young lady is the love of my life. I don’t know if she knows exactly ow much I love her, but it’s a fucking hell of a lot. I hate this keyboard. I thought about settling down with Alex. I thought about it a lot. I never researched it. Not like I have been with Aria. I’ve been on the Internet, researching, looking at books, getting confused, getting upset at it all. Immigration to the USA ain’t easy, people. I will do it. I will fucking do it people. I fucking will. I’m swearing now you know it’s true. I’m gonna get over there, I’m gonna settle down with Aria and I’m gonna fucking make something of myself. Layabout Andrew is gone...

...Brings me back to the “I’ve achieved nothing” thought. Seriously. Listen when I say I’ve achieved nothing. Nothing relevant anyway.

Editors’Pick? Recommended Read? Those are gonna look good on a CV, aren’t they? Outdated HNC in computing? Yup, he’s one to hire! It isn’t that I don’t see them as achievements, or that I’m not proud or grateful, but what good do they do me in the offline, some may say, real, world? Nowt. Looking at it from an outsiders’ perspective, nowt. Looking at it from my perspective, it means a hell of a lot. It means that someone actually paid attention to me and liked something that I came up with. It gives me faith in me, but I’m stuck in a rut. Know why I started my own business? I wanted to make something of myself.

After four years of looking for a job and finding nothing, I decided it was time to make some cash and a good reputation for myself. How did that work out? Are you reading this? Let me see. I threw myself into the Internet. I threw myself into my business and then allowed myself to become sidetracked.

I can run a business and have a life, online and off, right? Seems not. I’m not finding the balance. There’s this friend. I love her. Though we’ve never met, she’s one of my favourite friends. I should trust her judgement. She knows what she’s talking about.

Maybe I should just get out of my own head and work. Apologise for my misgivings (yeah, see how well that went recently. I am sorry, but if you don’t believe me, I’m cool with that. Not as if it was any sort of coping mechanism, or anything. Not as if I found any humour in it and it made my life any better, you know? Just your feelings matter and nobody else. That isn’t being shrewd, it’s being horrible) and just suck it up. Work. Buck up your ideas, Andrew and work. After all, how else are you going to manage to meet and settle down with the love of your life? (That’s Aria, in case you wondered, or haven’t been reading anything that I’ve written. You’d have to either be a newcomer, or really fucking stupid to not know that she is the love of my life and the one I want to settle down with, start a business with and be the happiest man on earth with.)

I feel too much.
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