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Falling

depression get the best of everyone, but can it be beaten?



The ledge was only a few steps away, beneath lied the end, the solution and a new beginning. I’ve been thinking about this for a while. My mother’s boyfriend seems to be the root of all my problems, even though I know it’s not possible. The other day my father told me that I seemed different that weekend. He asked if everything was okay at my moms, and of course I lied and said everything was fine. I looked over the ledge again and saw the animals, humans, and the Earth. It was all so depressing. I often think of what it would have been like to live before the corruption of man. A time when animals were animals and pollution and war weren’t the major problems at hand, back to a time when things were simple.

My parents divorced when I was very young, so I don’t remember them being together. I’ve always lived with my mother and visited my dad every other weekend. I remember hearing my mother complain about my father and financial issues, which I had little to no interest in. We moved a couple times and I always made new friends, and had solid relationships. I’ve lived in my current house for quite some time now. I have a loving girlfriend and a couple of close friends (who are somewhat outcasts in their own way). Mathew never really seems to know where to go, so after school he hangs out with me, Donald, or whatever girl he’s been trying too hard to get with at the time. Donald is abusive without intending to be. He thinks he’s a hit with the ladies, but he hasn’t got a clue, just like the rest of the men on this planet. Then there’s Linda who just recently entered my life with a full on joust of affection and hopes. She’s the kind of girl who tries not to let things bother her, and she has only one goal, to be happy. This is a reasonable goal as hard as it may be. I think her idea of happiness is the cliché grow up, get a job, have kids, and live happily ever after, which I can cope with for the moment. My name is William.

I’m a grade 11 high school student and I’m attending Guelph Collegiate Vocational Institute. It’s a public high school. I’m a bit older than everyone else because of a speech impediment I’ve had since I was young. I’m the wise friend who tries to help with advice even though I have no idea what I’m talking about. It feels good to help people, but one can only do so much. This is what brings me to the ledge. My parents say they don’t have that many expectations from me aside from doing my chores and listening. This translates to expecting the world from me and basically being a slave, to a less extreme extent. My sister always got straight A’s and never had to try to be any kind of success, she just was. I’ve never gotten A’s and I’m pleased with a B. She is into drama, and I am into drawing. Though she’s hard to compete with I still love her to death, because it’s not her fault.

The only thing that’s keeping me on this ledge is my second thoughts. The after effects that would happen if I were to jump, the amount of people that would cry real tears, and the ones that may be mentally messed up after my disappearance, if any. It’s hard to tell exactly who would cry real tears, or who it would have an effect on, I may not even know the people who it would affect most. Maybe someone has fallen in love with me and hasn’t grown enough guts to tell me. These people bother me in a hypocritical manner, because I do it to. But when I’m thinking of others I can’t help but think, go for it! See what happens! What’s the worst that they can do, say “no? Go away jump off a cliff?” Linda didn’t say any of that to me, it’s been three months since we officially started dating and I feel we’ve been pretty strong so far. Mathew hasn’t had the best of luck with girls. His longest relationship was a couple of months, and she lived in a different country. It doesn’t seem healthy to me, but somehow he manages with the flashes from strangers on the internet. I guess there is some kind of satisfaction in that though it’s not much to go off of. He’s probably the best friend I’ve had for a while. He’s been there for me, or tried to be.

I tend to drift in and out of reality. I looked around me to see the birds flying, up, down, in circles, on the hunt for food, never ending, and always searching. It’s something I’ve always been interested in drawing for quite some time now. I saw the cars that belonged to uncaring strangers who would just as soon run you over then ask if something was wrong. I saw the lights at the end of the street, always constant, reliable, and sane. I often wonder how they work. Are they programmed? Is there a little man in some control room who tries to direct traffic to and fro? No, it has to be programmed. No man in their right mind would ever sit there day in and day out. I saw a strange man with a large beard and a thick accent walking with a younger girl who looked pretty, but scared. I wondered what their story was. Was he a cop? A journalist? A designer? Did she have a choice to be with him? Was she happy? Did she have a family? What were they thinking about? Where were they going? As they left my line of sight my mind wandered again.

Was it really worth it? Losing everything to solve nothing, and solving everything and losing nothing? I wasn’t sure, and I surely didn’t know. I began to climb back down to the safety of the bridge. A man was running with a purse in his hand, and a lady running after him. I guess he didn’t see me, or cared about me because he ran straight into me launching me off the edge.

I got the thrill you get on a roller coaster when you can’t tell if up is up or down is down. When you feel weightless, and it seems to last a life time. That thing you see in movies when someone’s life flashes before their eyes didn’t happen. I guess mine was too short, I’m not sure, but as I was falling I remembered that animals don’t feel panic or fear when they know they are going to die. I guess this is what was happening to me. No panic and no fear, just remorse for the people I loved and cared about. Just like any other animal on Earth as I hit the ground, I simply went splat.

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