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Open Letters - 2

More general open letters

Back by popular demand! Here are some more general open letters from my life, for you, my internet friends.

Dear Hanukkah food- You are so delicious and so tasty. I'm not even 'properly' Jewish but I would convert just for the food. A Holiday where deep fried foods are eaten? Yes, please. It's not good for my waist line, but the food is just so tasty, and apparently I have weak will power. But that's what New Year's resolutions are for; saying you'll work off all the food you ate over the Holidays, and then not doing it. That's how it's supposed to be. 

Dear Former Prime Minister John Key - Can we please be real for just a moment? You resigned as Prime Minister of New Zealand late last year, suspiciously quickly after November 8th. I get that being a leader of a country can take up a lot of your time, and you want to be around your family more and step away from public life, but you know, cut the bull shit John, you just didn't want to deal with Donald Trump. I don't blame you in any way, I totally get that. At least now you'll have more time to go around pulling people's ponytails and having nightmares about the flag you unsuccessfully tried to change.

Dear Bea, the greyhound I now live with - I'm not gonna lie, I was pleased that you go sick after you managed to get into the pantry and eat a whole pound of butter! That was my brand new block of butter that I had purchased that morning and it was not cheap. So ha ha, that's karma for eating my butter. 

Dear Bob Ross - I know you've been dead since 1995 when I was a baby, but your 'Joy of painting' series is entertaining the fuck out of me. You're so nice and so soft spoken and I love how everything is happy and little. You're right, we can't have lonely bushes or clouds, they need friends. I just want to hug you.

Dear mushrooms - You are terrible. I hate you.

Dear Donald Trump - I think I know the answer to this question already, but I'm going to ask it anyway. Did your father ever hug you?

Dear mosquitos - Every single summer I am covered in mosquito bites. When I say covered, I mean covered. From head to toe, I have little itchy bites all over me. Just me. No one else in my household is covered in them like I am. Sure, they have one or two, but I am covered in them. What is it about my blood that you like, as opposed to the other people I live with? It makes me worried that I'm going to be an easier target for vampires because apparently, my blood is so damn delicious.

Dear Stephen Colbert - I love you. Like, really love you. You are perhaps my biggest girl crush, and I am super excited for the Colbert emoji to come to fruition and be released to the public. I'm an eyebrows girl and baby, you've got the eyebrows.

Dear Epic Rap Battles of History - I'm not much for rap, but I love you. You're so entertaining and educational. I love your Youtube channel, it is amazing. My favourite rap battle is Julius Caesar vs Shaka Zulu. You put such a unique spin on historical and famous figures, I love it.

Dear the New Zealand accent - Why are you so terrible. It's not sexy, like the French, Spanish or Italian accent. I get the accent is a hybrid of lots of different regional dialects from when New Zealand was first settled by the French and Dutch, and then eventually the British, but c'mon, people from other countries think we're saying the word dick instead of deck. Or sex instead of six. Kuds instead of kids.

These open letters aren't very long, but I will probably end up writing more of them in the future.

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