Waking in the night and half asleep, I hear a voice wondering if from my mind, or is it from someone I have failed in some way or left behind in my life as I make my way through it? Having tasted both victory and also defeat and the latter outweighs the former it seems always. Seeming to find myself defending both myself and my soul from those who accuse me of things not done, and has me wondering at times what has become of me as I seem to pass through a new incarnation, as I try to be flexible and attempt to re-invent myself yet again and continue on in this Vale of Tears. And finding myself looking out and seeing things in shades grey from the lightest to the darkest.

Watching the shadows lengthen and crawl with time slowly slipping away with reasons for our insanity, and knowing in most cases only fools are satisfied as I do the best that I can step by step walking a thin line. After having had sound strike me hard across the face trying to drive the choices from my head, with words being heard wielded like weapons and used to wound and attempt to kill both mind and spirit. And have me wondering too if some have ever tried to touch the night or what is truly feared?

In silence it all begins knowing that there are things I have missed and accused of being slow and blind, as a thing or two was said that really shouldn’t have been said, yet can’t be taken back at any cost. And something was heard and felt in the air that felt like a tangible force and I wonder if others felt it too? And also having me wonder if the grins on their faces will be wiped off along with those bags of lies they carry, with all washed off as though being taken out to sea.

While I sit here and listen to the advice from those self proclaimed saints quick to judge, As they offer in attempts to have me change my way yet they still accuse me of sitting watching all pass by, like I have been just sitting here allowing all to happen and not fighting it the way they think all should. I may look like I am just standing here, but actually I am moving as they burn their eyes on my passing. And looking down and seeing again those scars I carry that the sun’s dark light couldn’t or wouldn’t heal, as I also seeing those delicate threads unwind as I unclench my fist and try to capture all I left behind.I know that I was a fool once for allowing things to go the way they did and let all slip away.

But now I stand here watching the approaches again with a second chance and an attempt to make all right, and I know it might just be my thinking I am on another fool’s errand, but the reasons have changed this time. With the costs being frightfully higher than the last time, as I reach out and try to keep all going forward, and knowing that trust like respect is not just given but has to be earned and maintained as well as re-won. So I raise my hand and silently offer a prayer as I resolve to make a stand and make my way forward, and go through this Vale of Tears known as life heading through both collision and confusion. As I thank terror and disillusionment too, for making me see beyond the pale.

Knowing that many have gone through all this as well as I have though not the same path taken, with them having at times made wrong decisions for what seemed to be the right reasons at the time, and with the right decisions also made for what were the wrong reasons also at the time they were made. And having had both lead to the same path and the same conclusion as they converged in those grey areas, so maybe I am in the place that I must be and still must carry on the fight to have all come about.

For to give up is the quitter’s and the coward’s way and it might seem to be the only easy way out. Which is probably the reason that I have continued to carry on forward for so long, and though considered the “easier” way at times and watched as those strange arrivals appeared, and disappeared. Having taken dancing lessons when I spied that jitterbug ride nearby as I steered around those obstacles, that had been deliberately placed there in my way as I tried to go forward along that chosen path.

Still I ask that those I pass not to get up as I will in most cases be just passing through, for at times I am like some kind of a wandering ghost who doesn’t really care a lot for their praise. And just hopes to be remembered when that clearing at the end of the path has been finally reached. And finally heading home unlike now where inside or outside nowhere is home.

So with my boots pointed away I will simply continue onward down the line and make my way, and remembering the reason(s), I silently prayed and with hand on my heart decided to take a stand. As I occasionally glance at those deep scars I carry as reminders of those things I have been through too, and continuing to make all right in this chapter in time and the chance I was granted to do well and succeed.

* From the Greek Kyrie Eliason: May the Lord have mercy, (Used in the Roman Catholic Mass).

Copyright September/ October 2007: Timberwolf International LTD.