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It was meant to be

If you ever wonder, why I have I do not engage online.......


*Please do not be offended if I do not friend you, or post or comment. if you ever wonder why I have no bio, I do not post, or comment, I only read and write... This is why... Online life became an abyss for me, a black hole I could not find my way out of. But man, I love to write... Some may figure out who I was... But this is my story...

My life on the red side...

I met my husband in an unconventional way. He was my best friends boyfriend and one of my best friends. We fell in love, like a fairytale. We fought through our friends hatred and disdain. We jumped every obstacle thrown in our way. Nothing... I mean nothing stood in our way.

We looked at each other and our eyes twinkled. We kissed and the earth spun. We were the envy of everyone, that couple that people smiled at, wishing they had that kind of love.

We married and started our life together. We were inseparable... Our love was strong and pure. But soon the tolls of time chipped away at our armor. The complexities of step children, the strain of living with an alcoholic, our lack of communication became anger and hiding instead.

There was many a night when he didn't come home and when he did he was drunk and belligerent. I considered leaving so many times, but my love would not let me. So I buried my resentment, my hurt. I locked myself away and shut myself off. The drinking, the anger, the resentment who knows what; shut us off sexually.

I felt unwanted, unsexy and I started to fantasize. I started to write stories and my imagination exploded. All I ever wanted was for him to want me as much as I wanted him. I became so full of hatred toward myself and him. I started thinking about leaving.

And then, he was admitted to ICU and they told me they didn't know if he would make it. And my love was renewed and I pulled tighter. But the sex was still missing, he just didn't understand me and what I needed, or maybe I didn't know what I needed or how to tell him.

I joined an online site, looking for that sexual fulfillment I was missing. At first it was perfect, meeting, chatting and writing. I felt sexy and wanted and my sexuality blossomed. I explored and reawakened my heart.

But then, I left my husband. I fell into a world of which I seemed to have no control. I didn't know if I would survive.
But I did.

I went back to my husband, albeit briefly. I was still too lost in this online life of love and sex. The chat, and yahoo messenger, emails and stories. It takes over your life.

The final chapter of my online life.

When it all comes down to it, I couldn't leave my husband. I am still in love with him. Truth is, I always have been. He told me some eye opening words. It is easier to start over then to fix what you have. And he's right. But is the easy way the right way? The fact is I can't find a new soulmate.. Because I already have one. I married him 12 1/2 years ago. Through all I have put him through over the last eight months he is still standing there, hanging on by a thread.

It has come time, to leave my online life behind. To stop letting others past my walls. To stop looking for the new beginning and instead value what I have. I took a vow; for better for worse... 

I met a lot of good people who touched my heart and were there for me. I had a lot of fun. But this isn't the life for me, It was almost cathartic to delete my email accounts, and yahoo messenger. To cut off my roads to what led me astray.

It's now been 9 months. We've never been happier. Our vows renewed full of strength and promise. I was awful.. I really was, but through it all I couldn't stop loving him and wanting to fight for us.

Luckily, he never gave up on me. He loves me more than I ever knew. I learned we really are soul mates. We celebrated 13 years of marriage. I know now whomever leaves this earth first, will have the other by their side. Our love is forever.

It was meant to be.

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