Heart-Shaped Pendulum
There is so much in my mind right now, but the most conflicting part would be the memories, I guess. The memories of us. It cuts my heart, but at the same time, it warms my soul. I know I will remember every second of you for as long as I breathe. The two-year long relationship we share will be forever burnt into my brain, like a heart-shaped pendulum, as a strong wave in the calm ocean.
I forever will remember kneeling down at the pier and asking you out, holding your hand and kissing its back just before you said yes. I will remember all the times we sat side by side watching the sunset with no worries in our minds, simply enjoying our harmony.
Once I felt a connection as if my soul was free and my secrets were out cold. History didn’t matter, future neither, just holding your hand and being sure I wasn’t alone was much more than enough.
Once I felt as if I could actually love somebody. I remember the sandy days of running around and smiling, playing near the ocean and letting the salt air purify our sorrow and regrets. It had all become easy. The ten-ton angel had become a shattering feather. I was on top of the world, on the hill where we used to kiss.
What hand cannot erase time certainly can, what could have been forever has lasted little but is eternal. The fingers running through my hair, the fireworks at night, the shouts and cry, it will all be here, standing against every storm and every life.
The cradle of filth which my soul resides was once open, the rotten smell had been somewhat replaced with roses and sweet perfume, but once again it’s filled with sad bitterness. I am sorry I hadn’t let you in, I’m sorry it has all crumbled, but what has not been will never be, and no changes can I make about that.
Late nights holding your hand tight, telling you nothing will hurt you while I am around, making sure you are safe and feeling like once in a while I had a purpose for a change had made me glad. Happy even. Happy I mattered, happy my love for you served for something good, but now that is also gone. Now all I have are the memories of the walks, the paved streets leading to the ocean, to the soul cleansing waves that once drowned me in happiness.
Times, when I'm not alone, are bearable, a smile may even come to my face so that I blend into the masses, but as you have said yourself, it’s the moments everything dims out, the curtains close and all that is left is my body lying alone in my room is when my thoughts flood the air, and the rain outside becomes clear. As if everything is melting, as if control is slipping in-between my fingers, those are the times I remember the gone days, it’s when I think of how everything is so mundane, that all left is my sour routine which I have to wake up to every day, to repeat the same errors and cry alone at night.
