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It's a Choice

They say that happiness is a choice 

 

I don't recall ever saying I don't want to be happy 

 

If happiness is a choice, doesn't that mean that depression is too? 

 

When standing in the line, I don't remember ever saying "yeah I decided I don't wanna see the light anymore. 

 

I want to feel like I'm walking down a dark hall for the rest of my life 

 

I never want to know when the light will flicker back on 

 

I never want to see a bright side anymore 

 

I want to feel like I'm alone 

 

I want to wish I was dead with each and every single step that I take in this dark hall."

 

I don't remember filling out a questionnaire about how I want my thoughts to be

 

I don't wake up with the intent to being sad all day 

 

I want to smile and be happy

 

I want to yearn to go out

 

I wish I wanted to go out and do things, but every single time I get out of bed there's a voice in my head that begs me to get back in, bundle myself up and hopefully suffocate in the process 

 

I hear that voice in everything I do

 

I just want to smile again and go out with my friends, but every time I'm out with them that voice comments on how pathetic I am

 

It tells me how much those people don't want me around and I would be better off dead

 

It shows me how I could do it and how happy everyone would be when I was gone 

 

Then I snap myself out of it, I try to smile and the cycle repeats 

 

I don't remember choosing depression 

 

I only remember it choosing me 

 

 

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