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The Humble Cucumber

"What is so special about cucumbers?"
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Views 1.5k
Read Time 4 min
Published 6 years ago
Can anybody tell me just what is so special about cucumber sandwiches? You know those dainty, crustless smelly little things you sometimes get at parties? I loathe cucumbers. I loathe brussel sprouts more though but that's another story I will write sometime.

WHO decided they should be served at a party? Probably someone in the 1800's having a garden party. Didn't have anything else in the garden except cucumbers so pretended they were some kind of special treat to serve. Then some other wannabe snob, not to be outdone, decided to serve them at his garden party and so on and so forth.

Does anyone even like cucumber sandwiches or are we all pretending we like them because they are supposedly delicious and "everyone else eats them"? What if...nobody in the history of mankind liked cucumber? I imagine even Neanderthals had garden parties. Sitting around in a circle on their log seats and stone tables. Serving cucumber sandwiches made of cucumber slices between 2 yummy tasting leaves. All thinking to themselves "if someone serves me another flippin' cucumber, I'm going to club them over the head."

Oh! Then the Indian foodies decided cucumber would go marvellously well with their curries but only if the cuce was in yoghurt. What if you don't like yoghurt? OR cucumber OR curry? You're in hell right there, aren't you?

What if, you were invited to a dinner party and was served an Indian curry with cucumber in yoghurt? What are you gonna do? Sit and look at your plate? You can't bring yourself to eat any of it. Do you pretend you are not feeling well so you don't have to eat any of it? Do you move the food around your plate to look like there is less food on it than there really is? Do you lift your fork to your mouth and pretend you've just eaten a morsel? Do you actually put it in your mouth, pretend to chew it up then while you are "dabbing" at your lips with your napkin, slyly spit that mouthful into your napkin?

THAT right there opens up a whole new tin of worms. The host is gonna see it eventually. They will pick up that napkin and that chewed mouthful of food is gonna fly everywhere. Just pray they do it after you're gone. You could always deny it then. Pretend "someone else must have put their napkin there". At the next dinner party you are invited to, you may be seated next to a different person who also hates cucumber? What if THAT dinner party host serves a dish with cucumber? What are you going to do if the person sitting next to you does not like cucumber either?

WHAT IF The person sitting next to you spits their mouthful of cucumber into their napkin and then when the dinner party is over, quietly hides their napkin of cucumber on your chair or under your plate? What the HECK are you going to do with your napkin full of cucumber? You can't put it on the other guys chair or under his plate can you? All that will achieve is getting you both busted for spitting multiple blobs of food into your napkin instead of swallowing it aren't you?

What if, The host of the dinner party later found both napkins stuck under the plates for two guests seated next to each other? Both napkins half full of the dinner that was served but mostly what looked like cucumber seeds? That dinner party host would be trying to recall who sat in those seats, that's what. Now this could be a solution to your problem. What if, you could hide your napkin under the plate of the person sitting on the other side of you? Surely there wouldn't be three people in a row trying to hide a napkin full of smelly cucumber!

But WHAT IF there was? You're totally out of options now. You are just going to have to fold your napkin and place it on the plate of food you didn't like and take your punishment whatever it may be.

* * * * *

After the guests had left the table, Beth was clearing the plates. She pulled a napkin from under the plate to discover it was holding a lot of cucumber salad. The same thing again with the next napkin but this one was lay on top of the other cucumber salad left on the plate. AND another napkin full of cucumber salad. She'd really thought her guests would have liked the salad. It was apparent they did not.

"What am I gonna do with all those cuce's I got for free at the markets yesterday? " Beth wondered. "The three ladies sitting together tonight are coming for lunch next week. Obviously they don't like salad. Next week I will make the salad with a lovely cucumber dressing to tempt their taste buds."

© trinket 2014 2015. 

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