The Boy Able to take advantage of a much-ballyhooed birthday gift, my son successfully completed an introductory snorkeling class. We then went shopping. Standing at the mercy of an empty big box sporting goods store, not comforted by the proper diving specialty shop we should have visited, I quickly realized my mistake. The sales associate was young and kind, but ultimately unknowledgeable. Dismayed with the struggling c...

You may not be gorgeous or famous, You may be a huge ignoramous, If this is so, Then I'll let you know, You look like you came from Uranus!    

“‘Pop quiz!” The teacher announces while handing out sheets of paper; covered in those dreaded questions.  “Scariest thing I've seen all day,” I mutter under my breath as my palms sweat.  “You haven't seen anything yet.” The voice was soft. Looking around, everyone was focused and the teacher was back at his desk.  “Psst! Down here.”  A shiver runs along my neck as I look down.  The equations start to melt together, numbe...

It was around 10 p.m. when a lone car careened down the empty rural road, engine growling, disrupting the peace of a lonely night. Its headlights ploughed through the darkness ahead as it angrily chewed up the centre lines along the road, then spewed them out in the rear, back into the nothingness trailing in its wake. Reggie Morton sat in the driver’s seat of the Corolla, leaning forward, his fingers closed so tightly ar...

The President extended her hand. "On Earth, this is a symbol of friendship." Standing by the open panel door just inside their spacecraft, the contingency of aliens examined her hand curiously for a moment. Hesitantly, the one in front mimicked the gesture taking her hand. When the President shook its hand, there was great applause amongst all the world's leaders and people of influence gathered in the open field. The Pre...

Billy sat on the front step of his house with Flip, his cat, minding his own business when Elmira Kane ran up to him. She pointed her finger, still sticky from sucking taffy. “I know your secret, Billy Collins!” she declared. Billy gulped. Her chunky grin exposing the blackness between her missing teeth, she announced, “You're in love with the teacher!” His ears burned red beneath his baseball cap. “I knew it!” Elmira ski...

Hand hovering over the door handle, Lucy pauses. The smell of burned plastic makes her gag and she winces as she imagines the scene beyond. The fire has destroyed her once-pristine dining room, although she acknowledges, it had been unusable for a while. Six months to be exact. Ever since Tim moved his collection in. “Only temporary,” he’d said when she protested. “Just while I sort them out.” Temporary my foot. In fact,...

At our local swimming pool, you can clearly perceive the pattern of the school year, especially during the holidays. It gets markedly busier at half terms and the Easter break and even at Christmas (if parents really don’t know what to do with their children on a bad day weather-wise, having steadily worked through all the seasonal movies in the nearby multiplex)! These are brief flurries of activity, but the long summer...

I was watching, amused, as two girls had a tiff over one of the activity boards. One of the girls stood up and made to walk away. The other girl said something I couldn't make out. The girl who was standing turned around, put her hands on her hips and declared loud and proud, "Don't care, grumpy bear!" then she stormed off in dramatic four-year-old fashion. That's a great line. I'm using that in any future tiffs or argume...

Sergeant, what are you doing with that orange bag over your head?  I told you to cuff them, not muck about!, And ... O my god, that woman’s hardly got a stitch on — cover her up with a black bag someone — and as for you Cocktail Dress Lady, haven’t you got a home to go to? Hey, what’s going on? You, Blonde Southern Belle, stop fiddling with my belt this minute. O sh... my trousers, give me back my trousers! And leave my w...

ALRIGHT, QUIET EVERYBODY! No one is to leave — and that means you three. Names please. Ahem, it has been drawn to our attention that there has recently been some highly irregular behaviour in this bar, and there will be prosecutions. Do you want me to spell them out? 1. Wearing of non-biodegradable plastic. 2. Abuse of cocktail party products. 3. Oral gestures of a forbidden nature. 4. Excess perspiration of an offensive...

Sashaying, (or should I say, sacheting?) back, Rumps is eerily quiet. Not a solitary belch marks my return. ”TRAADAAAAAAA!” I shout, twirling around the ‘exercise’ pole for maximum impact. Voluminous orange polyethylene billowing; his enchanting, porcine eyes feasting on me. “Damn!” My finger bleeding from an embedded cocktail umbrella.  Thats when I spot her. My saboteur and potential garbage man thief I think, seeing th...

He was hot. In a sweaty way. Not that I could talk, I’d out perspired a horse in this ensemble hours ago.  “Who said I was nice?” I smirked, pulling an extra long neon pink straw from my French plait. His muddy eyes widened, mouth flapping semi seductively, trying to formulate an answer.  I tipped the appletini onto my plastic covered lap, hooking my ankles together to avoid spillage in one practiced move.”The mug was dir...

If you read the newspaper regularly, you probably missed the news about the grand opening, for the simple fact, it wasn't reported by the media or tabloids. I am, of course, talking about the grand opening of my nail salon last week at the daycare. It had all started the week prior when one of the boys asked why my nails were purple. I had painted them that colour so they matched my dress for the date I went on the night...

Working with children, you're privy to some of their conversations. Overheard snippets as you walk past or sit next to them. Even the very young children somehow seem to be able to effectively communicate with each other. To me, it just sounds like random noises and baby babble, but they just know. On Wednesday I was partially privy to such a conversation when I walked down the other end of the playground to defuse a squi...