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The ball’s in your court

"You, sir, have made me the most fortunate and unlucky girl in this frightening big blue marble"

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My mind is like a giant wool ball. Every time I make the effort of unravelling it, I end up with a few persistent knots I never seem able to undo. I am quite stubborn myself and I can’t help overanalysing situations when something specific is hovering around my head. And most of the time that ‘something’ is most certainly a ‘he’.

You, Sir, have made me the most fortunate and unlucky girl in this frightening big blue marble. Both at the same time.

You could make me aware that I was developing feelings for you with just a cheeky grin and a wave from the other side of the glass window,

But that same day I perceived it wasn’t going to be an obstacle-free ride and that scars, bruises and scratches were going to make an appearance, sooner or later.

You showed me how to stare into those vibrant green eyes and not stutter or lose track of time whilst I did. Well, at least you tried.

But you also lingered at my door as we worked out a way to say goodnight the right way but never had the courage to do what we both had on our minds that instant.

You took care of me and offered me a ride home when I needed one. You knew we both enjoyed the city lights in contrast with the dark of the night as we listened to some old songs on the radio.

But you never told me I would miss the wind on my face as we drove in your car, windows rolled down, on our way home.

You wrote ‘’smart, intelligent, witty, skillful, warm and kindhearted men DO exist’’ in my closed and obstinate brains,

But you also made me realise to what extreme you secretly didn’t believe your own words.

You taught me that simply silence and a song could have a much greater impact than words.

But you also exposed that fear could have an even greater impact and words and music notes could be easily taken over by silence on its own.

You could make me laugh out so hard that my tummy ached well beyond the point of after the very few gym sessions I go to throughout the year. And you get that because you’re also part of the ‘couch and TV’ workout club.

But you’re also the reason I can’t block the gears that keep my badly timed imagination fully operating, So insomnia keeps me company in some of the lonely nights.

You could make me feel at ease just with the light touch of your fingertips trying to put a rebellious forelock of hair behind my ear. You showed me there’s no safer place than between your arms as we rest our sleepy heads on each other. Nothing could feel more like home than laying my head on your lap whilst we joke around as a new day dawns.

However, my fascination for you dawned at the same pace as the sun rose that night.

You may be scared and shy. You may think you’re about to jump off a cliff with no parachute. You may believe things will just come to you with no fighting required. But you couldn’t possibly be more mistaken.

So now it’s my time to take a step back and repress the urge to pay attention to your every little detail. It’s your chance to overcome whatever brick wall is holding you back.

I, therefore, waver as I hand you the dynamite. You have the detonator button to crash that wall down into millions of shattering pieces.

The ball’s in your court.

Written by gawky
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