Leaning as far over as she dared, she peered under the lake’s gently rippling surface. She could see all the way to the silt and rock bottom but couldn’t discern a black rectangle protruding from it. The phone was gone. “Stupid, stupid,” she muttered. “Where is it?” She risked leaning even farther, searching beneath the canoe but the old wooden vessel creaked in protest and tilted perilously, threatening to capsize. She s...

  “Ever seen anything like it?” “No. It’s not like mine.” “So you don’t know how to switch it on?” “Not a clue.” “Oh.” George peered at the object in his palm. “No manual,” he shrugged, “just some bits I don’t need.” “They don’t make manuals anymore.” George’s eyes widened. “You’re supposed to press stuff ’til it works. Don’t worry,” Meg patted his arm, “the grandkids will know what to do.” “Oh yes…” George smiled. ”Think...

It was a strange creature, the size of a cat, with an extremely stocky build. Its face was so flat that it was nearly concave. Its eyes looked in all different directions, marbles spinning in sockets too big, and its thick wavy black fur stuck out in randomly-directed, coarse tufts. Its most prominent feature was its disproportionately large rump. It didn’t nibble or pull at the clover, but more so slammed its face into t...

I vigorously dislike it when you give someone advice, and they just don’t take it. You know, I gave some really good advice. I was kind about it, but it was just ignored. I can’t rant about it here without giving it away, but fucking hell, really? You know what else I dislike? Seeing computer terms mis-abbreviated. I don’t care if that’s a word, I’m using it. I saw a CD-R, and on it was printed, “700 Mb”. Really? Seven hu...

My first exposure to the wonders of television was shortly after the Second World War when a hardware store up the street put one in their front window. They turned it on when programming started which was, depending on the channel, sometime in the afternoon. They then left it on until the following morning when they shut it off to allow the vacuum tubes to cool. It was the first one in our small town and a great draw, es...

“Hello? Hello?” “Yes, Mom?” “Darling, I’m going to need your help for a little while – Hello?” “Yes, I’m here.” “Now Jessie, how do I connect the do-hickey to the thingy-mcbob again?” “I’m sorry?” “You know, that black wire thing and the white thing?” “You mean the extension cable and the router?” “Isn’t that what I said?” “No, you said –” “Never mind what I said. So how do you do it?” “You take the plug – are you holding...

Lets throw rocks at the homeless man because he is useless said the young ones; with their perky tits and perfectly aligned teeth and all that crap. Lets end every sentence with a full stop, lets like do this, lets like do that, wait, lets LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE, fuck off and never use punctuation marks! Modern idiots, self proclaimed proletariats(yeah sure, honey), with their Iphones, designer cardigans to keep their c...

By using today’s technology you can lessen the pain that your passing causes loved ones. All it takes is a little bit of planning and the help of a trusted friend. What follows are observations and suggestions from people current, past, and passed about how to lessen shock and help people cope when you expire. (1) You are the best person to tell others that you are dead. So do it! Just proceed as follows. (Note: Though th...

Global Man Globalization… Globalization… Surrender to your destiny… Old Nation You are too ancient for the New Generation No Greeks, No Romans, No Egyptians… No civilization The show is full of striptease and innovation Take off your brain, morals honor stain to start the Global creation Or sink in the Old Sea, alone think and see the modern agitation There, the world, dancing, panting, changing and banging Here you are a...

I've met someone famous today, I'm sure you will have heard of her. She's the first lady of France, Carla Bruni no less, the glamorous wife of the vertically challenged French President. Carla, as she insists on me calling her, is guest of honor at the engineering company my husband works for. She's been invited to cut the ribbon and reveal their latest creation, one half of a machine developed in harmony by Britain and F...