Fourteen days until deadline I sank into my favorite pink poofy chair in front of my antique library desk with a stack of crisp white paper in front of me, a newly sharpened pencil in hand, and my cat Buttercup “Butters” purring on her bed in the corner. Tick tock, tick tock—meddling grandfather clock. Tap, tap, tap—impatient pencil against my forehead. “Wake up in there. I need a product name, slogan, and story for the c...

A Professor enters his Philosophy class with unexpected supplies for this lecture. He has a chicken, a time machine, and a hotplate. “Professor, what is all that for?” a student asks. “Today’s Lecture is Going to be about the Concept of Time. Observe!” The professor then proceeds to put the chicken into the time machine and turns the dial back. For what felt like seconds later for them at least, years had passed for the c...

I’m beginning to think we’ve got our priorities all wrong! If you get mugged, the police don’t seem to be able to find the muggers! If you drive in the bus lane, they’ll send you a Fixed Penalty Notice for £100 and photographic evidence of you driving in the bus lane to your home address, within forty-eight hours. So, if you’re going to get mugged, get mugged in the bus lane!

...it's my Beetlejuice and not your karaoke dancing with a shadow and memories with whimsical pistachio green shells listening to the coffee pot's concierge paint mustaches on the ink well's clam sliding on the escalator without a destination it's my Beetlejuice and not your karaoke

Darn it! I just lost a chocolate chip on the floor. It fell right out of the pumpkin chocolate chip cookie; I was so much enjoying. What a bummer! Since that is the best part or shall I say the highlight of it all. Yes, of course, the rest of the cookie is good too. Oh but, when it comes to those sweet little chocolate chips it’s like losing a small treasure. They are so delicious! Such delightful little morsels melting i...

I went to the doctor’s recently, and after hearing my symptoms he diagnosed that I had Age Activate Attention Deficit Disorder. These were my symptoms: I need to wash my car. As I head towards the garage, I notice the mail on the hall table. I decide to go through it before washing the car. I put my car keys down on the table, and put junk mail in the bin. I notice the bin is full so I put the bills on the table to take o...

Footless crow rising from a storm of bed with green flies swallowing the dead while life is at rest sucking on numb because in the end, we are all spoon-fed striking a lucifer for a twilight shag as zombies eat from plastic bags moldy old banana bread from diners, drive-ins, and dives for it ain't Heaven, it's just hash with green flies swallowing the dead

“I saw Sally in the butchers the other day.” “Oh yes.” “Yes, she’s really piling on the pounds.” “I noticed that. She told me that her doctor said that she had an underactive thyroid.” “Ha, and overactive knife and fork if you ask me.” “Yes, you are probably right.” “I am right. I’ve seen her in the sweet shop buying bars of chocolate. You know, those giant bars, not the little ones.” “Well, I suppose eating lots of choco...

Feeling really bloated squeezed inside this box, so, "How did The Game of Thorns end?" It's a little cold this time of year, the wife forgot my socks, but I'm wearing my best suit. Also a little quiet, but things pick up at midnight, when worms go on the prowl. I lost my password on Twitter, worked hard all my life, the safety razor gave me Tetanus and all I got for it was stones, all over the freaking place. Rows and row...

Rising from the dust of chalk, 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, and 1 frigging bag of Cheetos. Who gives a rhinoceros? Ask the fool, who Thomas Jefferson was? He can't recite the Pledge of Allegiance but he knows how many chicken wings are in a bushel, that Peter Piper picked. With his one tooth, he looks like Ollie Dragon and his bottle of Jack Daniels is dry. Jesus lives in Mexico and Rooster Cogburn is the guy. 1 Mississi...

"If jumping to conclusions was an Olympic event, you’d take the gold.” "Seriously?" "Shut up!" an exasperated Maeve shot back. "Don't mock me. I'm not good at this." Kerri glared at her soon-to-be, in-a-long-line of ex-girlfriends, girlfriend, reading CHEATER! she'd carved with candy apple red lipstick onto Maeve's forehead. Forcefully dotting the exclamation mark was what intentionally woke Maeve. “I would never, ever......

While in Marine Corp ITR boot camp at Camp Pendleton, CA our platoon was on our full gear twenty-mile hike. We were drudging up a several hundred-yard dirt roadway puffing every step of the way when one of the platoon members, a "maggot" as we were referred to by our head drill instructor dropped out of the force march. He could not take one more step and simply fell to the side of the road. When our drill instructor saw...

Elderly Joe Vickers faced Doctor Reed and asked for a full physical examination. The doctor looked puzzled, “Why now?” Joe smiled, “I’m getting married.” “That’s splendid.” “I’m eighty-two and she’s twenty-four,” Joe said. The doctor looking dubious, but he conducted the examination. Afterwards, he observed, “No real problems considering your age. Could I make one suggestion?” “What’s that?” Joe asked. “Having a lodger mi...

My name is Leila. I'm afraid of earthquakes since childhood. One night I was alone and getting ready for bed. Suddenly I felt an earthquake. I was so terrified that I ran for the door as fast as I could without thinking. I made it to the stairs, and then the earthquake stopped. It was then that I realized the door had closed behind me, and I was wearing nothing but underwear! The earthquake wasn't even powerful where I wa...

A nine-year-old coerced into writing thank you letters to relatives after Christmas, finds tact a problem. Dear Aunt Maude, I hope you had a lovely Christmas. Thank you for the present. Socks were just what I needed (Mom says), and such an unusual pattern. None of the other ten pairs I received had vermillion and yellow stripes. Dad says if I wear them to the school disco, they won’t need the flashing lights. We had a won...