Humor Stories

3

Wordpusher715

The Ghosts of Time

Richard finds his life's work...

“Let’s call this class to order, shall we?” The Professor looked as aged as the two-century-old building he was teaching in. Dressed smartly for his age though, he had the physical presence that outstanding educators naturally possess. Selecting a book on the wooden table in front of him, he opened to the marked page. “The great Albert Einstein said: The only reason for Time is so...Read On

6

vote

The_Count

Calls to the radio station

True stories of callers.

Some of the best stories I tell are courtesy of my buddies that function as on-the-air radio personalities. The ones contained here are one hundred percent true. I was visiting one buddy that was stuck on the overnight shift. I would always call the stations hotline and ask if he needed me to pick up anything. Now all radio stations have a hotline. It is reserved for employees and...Read On

8

vote

Survivor

Acing the Audition

Sorry, you didn't get the part

To: cynthiaj@ourtheatre.org Hi Cynthia, I saw in the trade today that you are still looking for an actor to be in Carlos' play. I know you had posted auditions to be held last night but they had been sparsely attended. If you folks are interested in someone my age being a part of the play I would be willing to come by this evening. I would be happy to fill a role for you on this...Read On

3

vote

vkent1112

Little Miss Know It All

A mother tries teaching her daughter about being an adult

She sat opposite her daughter, hands tightly clasped in her lap, “You don’t know everything,” she said, sitting forward so she was eye level with her daughter. “Being an adult, isn’t as easy as doing whatever the hell you want, goofing off, taking advantage of people and shirking your responsibilities.” “I know mom, yet you still lecture me,” her daughter Brooke said, crossing her legs...Read On

5

vote

Ping

Bovine Confusion

It happens so fast, and then, the innocence of childhood is gone...

We’ve all navigated the dangerous waters of life’s many rites of passage. Not always first-time successful, but we made it, right? First steps. First bike ride. First crush. First kiss. First heartbreak. First arrest. First walk of shame. I trust that most of us experienced all of these before puberty, except that latter one. However, I know some adults that are still challenged with...Read On

12

vote

Ping

Bite-Sized Giggles

Baking cookies is next to godliness...

So, if needed, this is what I’ll tell the police... When a child has a birthday, my daughter’s school, like probably most every other school, allows the students to bring, in celebration of their own birthday, treats for their classmates. Numerous times, my kids and I have had this conversation. I complain, saying that if it’s someone’s birthday, shouldn’t the class be treating the...Read On

6

vote

Ping

Why We Don't Eat Our Young

Entertainment is the real reason humans produce offspring...

The Boy Finally able to take advantage of his birthday gift, my son, uneventfully, recently completed an introductory snorkeling and underwater safety class. However, he almost didn’t make it. Rewind two months… My mistake, but we stood in a sporting goods store, not the diving specialty shop we should've gone to. We received very little assistance. The sales person was young and kind,...Read On

4

vote

DannyX

Goldilocks and the Three Pigs

A teenage girl has an adventure with three little pigs

Once upon a time in a land not so far away there was a girl named Žaneta, who was known to her friends as Goldilocks, on account of her beautiful long hair that was as yellow as a buttercup. One sunny day, Goldilocks awoke to a snorty squeaky noise coming from under her window. She was used to funny occurrences, and she wondered if the day would lead to an adventure. Goldilocks was...Read On

9

vote

Ping

My Son, Captain Oblivious

What happens when a parent's cartoon mind is allowed to shape a child's...

Perplexed, the boy suspiciously leered at the clock. "Dad, what time is your appointment?" He spoke loud enough that everyone in the waiting room, including the stressed, but seemingly apathetic receptionists, and everyone in the adjacent Walmart across the parking lot, heard him. "4:00." Now mortified, I instructed, “Boy, sit down and read your book.” It was 4:10. “I thought so,” he...Read On

13

vote

LauraDanielle

Cat Confessions

Hello, hoomans of the interwebz, my name is Rudolph Valentino, but I just get called Tino for short. Other names of mine are little shit or Turd-meister because instead of doing my business outside in the dirt, I choose to go indoors. I especially like to go into the bedrooms of my hoomans, burrow under their sleeping areas and go there. I do not tell them I have done this, instead, I wait for...Read On

1

vote

The_Count

The Dinner Party.

A true story

I remember it was the year that I finally won the lawsuit that I had filed four years ago. It was a very sizable amount of money and to celebrate I quit my job. I then contacted my stunning model friend and asked if her numerous offers to visit and stay with her in Fort Lauderdale were still good, and they were. To this day there are still people that believe that we were having sex. No...Read On

14

vote

Ping

And So It Begins...

Everyone wins and loses with inappropriate behavior...

Good Afternoon, Unfine Sir, This morning, there was an incident where a group of grade one girls were swearing on the hill during recess. Your daughter was involved. She admitted to saying the f*** and sh** words at recess with her friends, but said she did not know what the words meant. After a few more questions, she admitted she knew that they were swearing words. I talked with all...Read On

1

vote

The_Count

An Incident At The Range

A True Story

Long before I was sworn in a full-time police officer, I spent many years as a security officer. Now security officers or rent-a-cops don't hold a real high slot in the hierarchy of law enforcement due to a variety of reasons. Most of the time they are just warm bodies in blue uniforms. They receive no formalized training. And usually, it's a company supervisor that instructs new hires in...Read On

8

vote

Ping

Grave Language

It's a Dad's responsibility to teach them right...

I recognized that look. That distinctively mischievous grin of a Cheshire Cat. That smirk of having swallowed Granny’s Tweety Bird. That poorly hidden giggle of having released, in the back seat, a silent killer with hopes that blame would befall his sister. The boy was bursting at the seams. He wanted to tell me, but was unsure he should. However, he had to tell someone, and the other...Read On

11

vote

Ping

Lessons Taught, Lessons Learned

Fathers have more impact on our sons than we sometimes realize...

As a father, a dad, a guy trying to be a guy’s guy, I am charged with teaching my son the ways of the world, as seen through my eyes, as guys have taught their masculine flesh and blood for millennia. One invaluable taught lesson is being able to write one’s name in the snow, no hands preferably, but improbably, but highly impressive to future bros, especially after a bender. However, at...Read On

5

vote

TouchOfGray

Kiss the Bride

This was, after all, the night

Randall was propped against the Formica and vinyl-clad wet bar at the Alverton Volunteer Fire Department Social Hall. At the opposite side of the space, next to a long table of cookies, the polka band had launched into a zesty rendition of the Chicken Dance. Guests wove through a garden of dining tables toward the dance floor. Randall tipped his glass toward a purple-chiffoned bridesmaid...Read On

8

vote

Survivor

Pastoral Visit

Brother Pitman pays a call

"You've been good today, so when we get home, you c'n have some ice cream." Aunt Charlotte holds his hand as they walk out of the white clapboarded church into the spring air. Up ahead, at the foot of the steps, Brother Pitman shakes a hand, then another, smiling at each face of a sister or brother. His preaching lasted forever today, with lots of rumbling breaths and flipping his bible...Read On

4

vote

JätteskogFrejyason

Arnold the Assassin (short story)

I wrote this on like 2 hours of sleep, but it was in high demand

Earl had finally driven away from the isolated home in the middle of nowhere. The home was obviously rundown and in need of repair, but the obese middle-aged man couldn’t be bothered to fix anything. He didn’t care about the condition of his home so long as the fridge had cold beer. A lone black car pulled up to the residence, and a tall, thin man in an overcoat and fedora stepped out. He...Read On

6

vote

LauraDanielle

Open Letters - 2

More general open letters

Back by popular demand! Here are some more general open letters from my life, for you, my internet friends. Dear Hanukkah food- You are so delicious and so tasty. I'm not even 'properly' Jewish but I would convert just for the food. A Holiday where deep fried foods are eaten? Yes, please. It's not good for my waist line, but the food is just so tasty, and apparently I have weak will power....Read On

2

vote

Martin

Janet and John - The Fish Shop Encounter

John fetches some fish and chips on his way home.

A story written in the style of the Janet and John books that I used to read as a child. In this story, though, Janet is John's wife. John can be rather simple, and she always sends him out on errands for her. This story is not as innocent as the original books, but I hope you enjoy it. Today is Friday, and Janet has decided that they would have a fish and chip takeaway for dinner. Friday...Read On

3

vote

rbo

Captian Scrotum and the SS thrust: Chapter 17 (last chapter)

Scrotum escaped from Knob, but look like he isnt out of trouble yet.

Chapter 17 Not Alone Scrotum was sitting on the floor, in a little pain, having shoulder banged the door, without success. “Lilly, can Anna remove the Magnetic device and open the door?” “I’m afraid Anna was a little damaged when Sweet-Cheeks bashed her head in. Then she hit the Hunter. After she had put you to bed, I started the repair cycle, but she is offline right now. She should be...Read On

3

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rbo

Captain Scrotum and the SS Thrust: chapter 16

How is Scrotum going to get out of this mess, and will Lilly be ok?

Chapter 16 The final scream of the Mia. Roberto smiled as he looked at the screen, his A.I. AR-K0N-X3 had infiltrated the L1’s program, as he knew it would, his Arkon was far superior, stolen from a battleship. Sweet-Cheeks didn’t like this, Scrotum had saved her life, even if he was a useless, smelly man and there was no chance of her ever sleeping with him. Roberto wasn’t the nicest man...Read On

5

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rbo

Captain Scrotum and the SS thrust: chapter 15

Knobs on the Thrust and Roberto wants him dead. Just another thing Scrotum has to try and deal with

Chapter 15 Aboard The Thrust. Scrotum was sitting on the toilet hiding, He knew Knob was on his ship, and Lilly was trying to get him off. “Why don’t you just leave the ship, big Knob,” Lilly suggested. “Worse case scenario, you will be beamed into space and die. It will be quick.” “Thank you Li1, but I think I will wait here,” Knob replied, with a touch of sarcasm. Knob entered...Read On

9

vote

LauraDanielle

Open Letters

General open letters

Unlike my other two 'Open letters' that I have written, these are very general and do not fit into any specific category like my makeup and underwear open letters. These are just general topics from my everyday life, that I am sharing with you, my internet friends. Also, on a side note, apparently open letters are now my thing as this will be the third 'installment' of open letters I...Read On

5

vote

rbo

Captain Scrotum and the SS thrust, chapter 14

It's a Knob!!!

Chapter 14 The Return Of The Knob Scrotum rolled over, his hand landing on something squishy. He squeezed it. He knew a nipple when he felt one. He squeezed it again as he opened his eyes, smiling, as he looked at who was next to him. “Fuck!” he shouted as he jumped up, gawking at Sweets-Cheeks dead sister. He placed his hand out squeezing her cold breast one more time before leaving the...Read On

10

vote

magnificent1rascal

17 Alternatives to NaNoWriMo

Not feeling the love for National Novel Writing Month? Here are some other options...

1. NaNO!WriMo: Do not write anything — not a single word — for 30 days. The challenge is tougher than it might seem. 2. NaDoWriMo: Chronicle every episode of The Simpsons in which Homer exclaims, "D'oh!" This, of course, requires watching every episode of The Simpsons. Not a bad way to spend the month. 3. NaSloWriMo: Writing shouldn't be a race. Take it slowly, savoring the...Read On

6

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rbo

Captain Scrotum and the SS thrust: chapter 13

The Chapter heading says it all. Guess who's back!

Chapter 13 Guess Who’s Back. Marvin had docked his cloaked ship and teleported into the engine room of the Screaming Mia, killing everyone who was there. Then he plugged a device into the Ship's computer and transmitted a virus to disable the ship’s AI, and turned off the main power. The backup lighting and life support were still working, but gravity had been reduced. The door opened, and...Read On

5

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rbo

Captain Scrotum and the SS Thrust: Chapter 11 and 12

Trapped on asroide, with a man who enjoys porn too much and a psychoti computer, poor Sweet-Cheeks

Reader discretion advised. The story you are about to read contains mature content that some may find offensive. By choosing to read this piece, you agree that you are 18 or older and do not object to the content of a sexual nature. Chapter 11 Unexpected Help The ship was nearly ready when Lilly sounded an alarm. Scrotum turned off the porn to see what was wrong. “Lilly what's going on?”...Read On

11

vote

LauraDanielle

Open Letters To My Makeup

Open letters to my makeup

It seems I have two weaknesses in this world. Well, three if you count Stephen Colbert, but my two main weaknesses seem to be underwear and makeup. Every single time I visit the local Plaza, or indeed the bigger Mall in the next town over, I find myself drifting towards the makeup counters and striking up conversations with the men and women who work there, about makeup. Asking questions to...Read On

3

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rbo

Captain Scrotum and the SS Thrust: Chapter 10

Lilly is back, but the Ship needs patching up. Lilly chose Sweet-Cheeks for the job.

Chapter 10. No one can hear you moan in space Lilly instructed Sweet-Cheeks on how to use the Sealant gun “The sealant hardens to a non-conductive solid substance it will fill the hole and protect the inner shell from and rock collisions.” The full-size O-cylinder was heavy and with the sealant pack also strapped to her back in the ship she could hardly move. She placed the I-watch on so...Read On

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Popular Tags

Humor

The Ghosts of Time

Calls to the radio station

Acing the Audition

Little Miss Know It All

Bovine Confusion

Bite-Sized Giggles

Why We Don't Eat Our Young

Goldilocks and the Three Pigs

My Son, Captain Oblivious

Cat Confessions

The Dinner Party.

And So It Begins...

An Incident At The Range

Grave Language

Lessons Taught, Lessons Learned

Kiss the Bride

Pastoral Visit

Arnold the Assassin (short story)

Open Letters - 2

Janet and John - The Fish Shop Encounter

Captian Scrotum and the SS thrust: Chapter 17 (last chapter)

Captain Scrotum and the SS Thrust: chapter 16

Captain Scrotum and the SS thrust: chapter 15

Open Letters

Captain Scrotum and the SS thrust, chapter 14

17 Alternatives to NaNoWriMo

Captain Scrotum and the SS thrust: chapter 13

Captain Scrotum and the SS Thrust: Chapter 11 and 12

Open Letters To My Makeup

Captain Scrotum and the SS Thrust: Chapter 10