Coffee. What Sam needed was coffee. He was a walking zombie, desperate for caffeine. It was a condition of his own making, he had to admit, since he was the one who'd wanted to drive on their family vacation instead of flying. And so they had spent more than 40 percent of their holiday — two days down and two days back — stuffed into a Hyundai Sonata, a car which seemed roomy enough during his solo daily commute but quick...

The Beast is the older of our two grain trucks. I better describe it , so that you have a picture in your mind of what it really is like. Its a 1968 Dodge grain/dump truck, built like a tank, unlike the newer converted grain trucks that have been used on the highways. The capacity of the box is 16 tons and it has 20 gear shifts. The PTO runs the hydraulics that hoist up the box when you unload the grain. Don't tell anyone...

As a young boy growing up in the poorer section of Indianapolis I can remember many meals that consisted of just soup and a sandwich. Keep in mind back in my day we didn’t have supermarkets. Only local neighborhood corner stores usually not much bigger than a two car garage. There were no pre-packaged meats and cheeses like today. You had to go to a butcher for that sort of thing and they would wrap the meat in a thick wh...

Want to feel ten years younger? If you’re between forty and eighty-nine years old you can; just use the techniques that follow. (If you’re ninety or older these techniques will not work. Nothing will. Just try not to embarrass everyone by printing this out, smearing it with ketchup and eating it.)- Make a youthful fashion statement by mutilating yourself.Impale your privates! Stick something decorative through your nose o...

Well, I now finally had my goat. I had waited for this for an awfully long time. There was just one problem now. How was I going to get the dogs to accept her and vise versa ? I lay in bed that night, thinking up different scenarios, on how it was going to go down. The first thing I had to do was get her to trust me. That wasn't going to be easy, since I scared the living daylights out of her by dragging her around by the...

A recent posting echoed the popular belief that it is inappropriate for senior males to stalk younger women. Though understandable this belief is misguided. When a senior stalks a young lady the senior, society as a whole, and thus even the young stalkee all come out ahead.(1) A senior stalking a young woman is a healthier senior.“If you’re gonna stalk then you have to walk….” This age-old adage is as true now as it was w...

To set this story in the proper time and place, I have to take you back to my teen years. Back a few years to my first encounter with a goat. I was visiting a friend on the outskirts of the City. Margaret was getting us some nice cold drinks while I sat on the back steps of her house. She lived right next to a farm that had a pen full of goats, and I could see them from the steps. There looked to be at least a dozen of th...

It all began with my person reading an article about cats being only semi-domestic, most would readily become feral if the occasion arose. “Ha, a lot they know about cats!” Thus was interrupted my peaceful after-breakfast sunbathing on the window seat in the living-room. “What do you mean?” I inquired. “I mean you are totally dependent on us, you could never make it on your own.” Now that really annoyed me. “You are my pe...

Farm Tales Firstly, let me tell you a little about myself. My name’s Kari and I am an import. What’s an import you say? It means that I either am from another country or the city. In my case it’s the city. Being a city girl, I had very little knowledge of farming or farm ways, so I have been flying by the seat of my pants. I used to spend my summer holidays at my grandmother's farm, but it was only 10 acres and what is ca...

The years had passed as had desire. We simply didn’t have the fire that once consumed us many years ago. But you still ached to feel that spark that once caused magic in the dark. To feel your passions rage and ebb and flow. One day you said it would be swell to find ourselves a nice hotel and go and have a little summer fling. We could give romance a shove and re-ignite our carnal love. The earth would move and we would...

I am not superstitious. The company decided to put everyone together and the 13th floor is what was open. Perhaps they purposely built this floor out last, because who would want to start on the 13th floor if they didn’t have to? There is nothing I can do about it, this is where my cube was moved to and I guess I must do as I am told. So what, it’s just a number. How much harm can a number do? Then again, with so many peo...

My hairs too long, my body too short.When I laugh really hard, sometime I snort.My belly too round, my backside too wide.No matter what I do I can never hide.Touch my toes? What a silly dream.I’m big enough to be a one man team.My clothes are a few sizes over big.I’m built like a tree, not like a twig.Of me, others make jokes and tease.I have feelings, be gentle please.I know you don’t mean to make me cry.But when I do, d...

Dark morning clouds filled with smoke.Horizon appearing to cough and choke. Outside edges lined in crimson flame.Looks like the devil is at work again. The sky on fire, alight with embers.Hanging like bright red suspenders. Spikes streaking high, as if leavened. Spreading hell fire across the heavens. Strange this beauty, the devil's design.Clinkers scattered from his fork, divine. These sights that nature constantly shar...

Today, dear reader, I muse. I muse about a love affair that has consumed me for a good part of this summer. The beginning of the summer saw me and my unwilling mistress spend a lot of time together. I put a lot of effort in this affair, but the effort was rarely returned with the same enthusiasm. I sometimes wonder if I should have seen the writing on the wall much sooner, but my love was such that I continued to pour my...

The newly born emerges in innocence. A new life’s journey begins soon. But as I gaze upon him I see not an angel. I see a prune. The countenance is a shriveled, purple, wrinkly mass. The pate is itself crowned with all manner of irregular ridges and bumps. And I see neither heavenly nor angelic forms when the child spews forth his fecal lumps. Others stare and proclaim that he has his Mother’s eyes as they dote and fawn i...